I hate that i am both opinionated and people pleaser, i want to remove all unnecessary thoughts inside my head! I want to be indifferent for those who is not worthy of me. My opinionated and people pleaser destroy myself from inside
hi @AzizaNirmalasari , thank you for sharing this 
sounds exhausting to feel pulled in two directions of having strong opinions and trying to please everyone. being opinionated means you care and think deeply while being a people pleaser means you want harmony and connection… but when they clash, it can feel like you’re constantly fighting yourself.
hmm self love doesn’t mean becoming indifferent overnight…it can start with choosing yourself in small moments. what would self love look like for you right now even just a little?
what do you think you’re afraid might happen if you stopped pleasing others for a moment and chose yourself instead?
I dont understand, what does it mean choosing myself in small moments? Currently, self love means that I do not need to think of other opinion of me as far as i believe my action is right. Even on my current opinionated and people pleaser state, i have no close friend, and I am craving for one 
This people pleasing state is basically in my head, where I felt overthinking on whether my action displease other. And, if I stop pleasing others, I believe my mind would be more zen state, i did not need to ruin my thought with all worse scenario (which ended with me being ostracized, and it made me very sad, thus thinking something definitely wrong with me, to cause everyone to hate me)
i seeee. thanks for explaining more @AzizaNirmalasari
when i mentioned ‘choosing yourself in small moments’, i was trying to say that instead of asking ‘did i upset them?’ or ‘what if they hate me now?’ - it looks more like pausing and telling yourself things like ‘oh i acted with good intentions and that’s enough for me’. it’s choosing not to keep punishing yoruself with the worst case scenario.
i don’t know and i could be wrongg but it sounds like the people pleasing is happening mostly internally in your thoughts rather than your actions. it means you’re not actually doing anything wrong buuut your mind seems to be working overtime to protect you from rejection.
wanting a more “zen” state doesn’t mean cutting people off; it might start with giving yourself permission to exist without constantly checking if you’re acceptable. that takes practice, not perfection.
btw i really admire how you’re able to stand by your opinions when you believe your actions are right; not everyone can do that!
I appreciate the admiration, and i really want to change myself, to reduce this overthinking by doing practice as you mention above, however, how to train my mind to do that? Sometimes this self blaming caused me insomnia due to anxiety, and I despise that. This mind of mine can so much causing anxiety due to negative thought, but hard to have positive one.
thanks for being so open about this @AzizaNirmalasari . what you’re describing is common when anxiety and self-blame have been around for a long time; our minds have been trained to protect us by scanning for danger and rejection. unlearning takes time and patience…
that said, training your mind doesn’t mean suddenly thinking positive thoughts - that usually backfires. it’s more about changing how you respond to negative ones. I can only give you high level examples like:
- when a self-blaming thought comes up, ask yourself ‘is this fact or is this my anxiety talking?’
- write the thoughts down before bed. getting them out of your head and onto paper can reduce that loop and distance yourself from it for a bit
- when you self-blame, ask yourself ‘would i speak to someone i love and care this way?’- if not, that’s your cue to soften
with regards to the self-blaming causing insomnia, something you could try is giving your mind a cut off time at night to pause those thoughts and focus on your breath.
this being said, it might be more helpful to work closely with a coach or a counsellor to help you figure out which way works best for you and your lifestyle. if you are on our app, you can reach out to your mental health coach or alternatively, if you prefer talking to a counsellor, you can explore that option here.
the thing is, you already have the awareness and that’s a huge step forward! awareness opens the door to change & with more personalised guidance, it becomes easier to build habits of self-compassion and gently shift the way you think over time.
only when you’re readyy